Ok, Heavy, Unadulterated Feelings. WARNING FEELINGS POST. OPIONS EXPRESSED WILL PROLLY HAVE CHANGED.

Hey, I’ve had two hurt things happen really close together. WTH?

Seriously. I feel really kinda bombarded. first Andrew, now Mr.H. dead within the same month. Beh, this is where someone else would say that he felt like screaming, or ripping something; just being all violent and irrational. I don’t, I just ache. I don’t let it affect me around friends and loved ones because I really don’t feel the pain until I am truly alone; even then it’s more of a pulse of guilt and coldness of the heart that is just scary to be around; much less have it inhabit me. It just kills me to think of what more I could have done with those people still with us. I tear up even now just thinking what more Mr.H wanted to teach me and all the things I had done not exactly to wrong him, but things that weren’t right and completely in my power to do. Now as I write that sentiment, I can’t help but feel absolutely terrible about my relationship with Andrew, I don’t think I honestly would have even given him the time of day if he had survived; it would have been jsut one of those e-mail’s that mom would have kept reminding us to pray for until he got better and we went along with our life’s. That is such a cruel and callous compassion, but it is what I  feel. That thought has again and again swept across my mind and caused me such confusion that I know not how to resolve the issue except through prayer.

But that is a dangerous route, not because of the “peace” and “tranquility” that comes with prayer. It’s with the lack thereof I get. I am told frequently of the power of prayer, and how it’s supposed to make one feel at peace with what ever the outcome. But why is it that we can pray for one thing and hope for that with all of our hearts, but we also pray that God’s will be done and it’s the exact opposite of what we want but we go along with it anyways? Or are we cuckolding ourselves into a state of dilusion? It feels to me like we are betting on both sides of the table. How does this help us maintain crediblity and glorify God if we(or maybe its just me at this point.) are so easily amused satisfyed with all that goes on around us?.

This is so bogus; I don’t know. I’m tired and hurt. And have probably said things I’ll regret when I wake but this is all about the posterity. But this is what I got this blog for. It is to practice expressing my feelings to “paper” and to try to see how they sound when I’m sane later. Oh! And Feedback is good as well. I realize this may be a bit awkward to comment on, but please, I invite you to comment anywise. It’s good to keep me grounded.

*Note: I haven’t proof-read the entire blog over myself. This is my raw thoughts and feelings. No revisions.

I need to sleep again for some reason. Weird.

Good night. Praise God Til The End.

Josiah.

Blogs Are Scary?

Yes, blogs are scary. Weblogs; scarier.

For me at least. The entire intertubes looking under my scalp and at all of my brain-thoughts? Eww! Gross! Pervs.

Ummm… Yeah, so this is my space. Not MySpace. But I get to write profound things in here. Very cool. Can’t wait. I’ll probably have some illegitimate children for posts in here, but they will be my own charming little bastard post-children, that I can promise. With all the fancy ribbons and knickers I can can metaphorically afford for them. They’ll have their share of comma slices and dangling participles, not to mention all of incoheirencies and inconsistencies you, the reader, will have to suffer through. But they’ll be so dolled up in words of such prolix and confusion you’ll just stare smile awkwardly at them, and tell me what a fine job I’ve done raising them. I thank you in advance for your support. I need all the support I can get when it comes to raising metaphorical children and writing meaningful writings. it’s just doesn’t come natural to me so that’s why I decided to construct for myself a blog. It is an effort to become, how we say, “Loosey Goosey”.

This blog exists for the main purpose that I may help myself learn to write better and be satisfied doing it.

Anyways, I’ll have you know that this is the third post I’ve attempted. I accidentally deleted the past two, I think the only reason I’ve kept going this late (12:49 am – 3:15am) is because I was quite displeased with them. None of them said what I wanted them to without going on for 4 or 5 paragraphs. So this one ends with this consummate thought; I see many different wonderful uses for this blogospace. I intend to take advantage of every facet it has to offer.

Geeeee ya! This is blog feels so awesome! **Strike a pose! Breach the skye! Draw crap! Invent tomarrow! Stand the disco! toots for captains! Goe two sleap!** YES.

Praise God ’til The End.

Josiah Aaron Robbe.